凌晨 2点 11分。

  凌晨两点11分，睡的着，但不愿意。

心里有很多很多的话想说。但跟朋友倾诉，也只是在把垃圾往他们扔的感觉。

男人，就因该把所有的事情往肚里吞吗？

我承认，我不是个聪明绝顶的人。　但我的智商绝对足以在这个社会立足。

我是个口齿伶俐的人。但我已经渐渐厌倦说话。一把尺也就那么长，从哪里开始都始终会有结束的一天。厌倦了。许许多多，就像篮球，我终于渐渐放下，遗忘。从未想过。

一个人对于一件事物的爱戴，不一定是永远的。　

这两天我格外的不照顾身体，图的是一个爽字。　晚上打完球后，暴饮暴食。这不是我的作风。也许，我真的寂寞了。

我一直都在自欺欺人。其实，从小到大，我不曾努力过。我不曾为父母的寄望而全力以赴。我努力过，但我不敢说是尽全力。

我找了各种借口来弥补我的不足与过错。

感谢至今还在我身边的朋友，你们容忍了我的不好，看到我好的一面。你们是上天的恩赐。

其实我是个毅力很强的人，但我从来不愿意去突破自己。　

我之所以１００米跑的那么快，是因为我没有包袱，我不需要面对漫长的对抗。１００米结束的很快。所以我很强。越久结束的事情，我越容易搞砸。我输了太多，也许我已经赢不回来了。　

我孤单，多热闹，我一样也有如此的感觉。或许因为我是个水瓶座的人。我向往伴侣，但渴望空间。害怕有枷锁。坐牢与死，我选择死。

内心的丑陋，自己知道就好。

我渴望的不是恋爱。我要的是爱情。

我要的是心灵上的满足。性是短暂的。或许我渴望跟某某发生性关系，但我内心知道这也只是性不会长久。心灵上的满足，我可以跟她共度余生。

其实我觉得完美的恋爱关系。。是我跟她可以相处的如一对好朋友。我心目中的女神早已名花有主。我希望你们很幸福。我衷心的祝福你们。　



昨天，我战胜了一个我觉得我赢不了的对手，我从来没有赢过他。跟他打，永远我都只差那么一点。我觉得我比他强（技术方面），但我从来没有一次堂堂正正赢过他，他说他拥有100%的实力战胜我（羽毛球）。他拥有如此的信心我可以理解。

其实，冠军与否对我来说不重要。重要的是你赢了怎样的对手。我不喜欢去评价我自己，内心深处我知道自己还有很多要学。必须持之以恒。但我想知道别人怎么看我的。一句称赞，一句鼓励，我都会铭记于心。

还记得在新加坡的某个比赛拿过羽毛球团体赛冠军，但对手和我实力悬殊。唯一一场有挑战性的回合是以　21-18 21-11结束。含金量不够，我开心，但感觉空虚。

这两天我生活颠倒。我觉得体力的劣势让我无法打好一场球。没想到调整心态后，我竟然三比二。赢他。我们打五场，世纪大对决。其实我因该感谢他，是他让我的水准提升到更快。他是我的标准。现在我赢了他，我拥有绝对的信心。我可以赢，我终于，可以开始赢了。。。。


有人说输赢不重要，重要的是过程。我同意。但残忍的现实却是相反。要站在最高，你不可以输。只有全赢。　

Too much to think about even it's on holidays!

It's getting too much things in my head right now and i can't even wipe it off just like that. Facebook is no longer a place where i can shout craps and expect that no one cares and ignores me. People or so called friends in my Facebook were a burden for me. A force that came in nowhere. It just tell me that i should behave myself and maintain its reputation. It defines my character. I don't like it. My Facebook details does not show who i am...(i don't open my heart to everyone, i am a very talkative person i like to share my stories and stuff but that doesn't tell the whole part of me.) of course there are few friends whose knows me inside out. I am not sure whether they feel it or not, but they are really the occasional one. D always would be my best friend even...even...

And L, he is a special one. 

And some very few friends who would lend their hands to me whenever i need them, and i pretty sure they are reliable. 

Unexpected scene. Truly dramatic.

Two days ago.....


09.00 AM, Having a super big breakfast, big smile after i had it.

09.35 AM, Driving back to my home, turns on radio, it's a pleasure to have Bruno Mars keep my ears occupied.

09.45 AM, There's nothing in my mind besides the melody, have no plans on that moment neither next.

09.47 AM, Saw cars accidents happens just so right in front of me. Plan to lend my hands. Some one already does it.

10.15 AM, Try to shout to the world, no one really cares, no one does. All calm as it happens so often.

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......... I am grateful to the God. Amen, thank you for looking of all my beloved ones.

Another life that desired to be lived on.

If things could have changed to the way I want and expected. If my parents know how much potential I have in the things I like, this referring to the "sport". No matter what sport it is, if it is related to strong competitive (physically or mentally), I always be one of the top. From small boy to big one. I have had always into sports. I always conquered them. 100 meter dash, high jump, basketball, badminton, Football. I loved every of em and I am sort of good at all of it. I am actually not quite of a humble man. HAHA.( Yes i knew i am just being overconfidence ) I have changed from of my major sport, basketball to badminton since i have encountered too many times of injuries on basketball and that's barely chances i can still be good and i knew it deep down in my mind. Badminton? the joyful is indescribable, Football was then occupied me throughout my primary school days and years. I always dream that i could represent my country on behalf of the sport that I am into.(from 7 years old the dream grows as i do)  But my parents never think of putting me on a coach hand.

If my parents saw the good vision, they could have send me to sport schools, and if they do, my life would be completely different from now. Not blaming them for not discovering me. I cherished what I have and what I capable to do the things that I like. They are wealth enough to provide possibly all the things that I needed in this fucked up century.      

If there's a "based on true story" book or movie that covered my entire life of story. It would be possibly darkness everywhere. I have grown matured day after day. I realized it through knowing myself how silly I used to be. How taking things for granted I used to be. But one fact I did acknowledged is how lucky I am to be a part in this world and everything everyone who around me. I appreciated my parents and God. I put my parents before the God because they are the existed God of mine, They are the one who having me born and raised me. Religion? That's my faith.

Trying to get an amazing life. But honestly I felt alone. The feeling was even stronger when my sister went away to China for her graduation matters. I missed you sister and it is only after a week of your departure.